Tuesday, May 12

Private Log Entry, 12.5.111

Dinner didn't quite go as I'd planned.

I mean, the food was fine, despite my rather lackluster culinary skills, and Aurora said she liked it... and of course a straight "yes" or "no" answer would be a little much to ask of her given her usual mental state...

We met up in the Three Sisters, and after an utterly painful attempt at deciding where to eat on the Uraha, we walked back to the ship... really, I'm as horrible at decision-making as Aurora is sometimes; it's a good thing that Aldrith decided to chime in. Once we got on board we headed up to the observation deck.

We made some idle chat, and then the galley called to tell me that the food was done cooking, so I went down to get it, and then we started eating. We talked a little more, some about what her work was like in Stillwater, a little about the work I'd done earlier in the day.

Aurora seemed a lot more distracted than usual that night... uncomfortable too, but she kept denying it. I didn't want to press the issue, so I let it be for a while... after we finished eating, we continued talking. I don't really remember how it came up, but I mentioned the first time I went to the Last Gate with Aldrith, and that question he asked me... strangely, even a month later, I can still hear his voice in my head.

"Have you ever been in love, Morwen?"

I'd originally had no answer for him when he asked. I wasn't really even sure what he'd meant at first. He could have easily meant any kind of "in love", even just a simple teenage crush. After thinking about it for a bit I decided he had meant something other than a little crush, but even then I wasn't sure how to answer. It took me a few days, but I found my answer, and told him. He's been trying to help me make it work ever since... pressuring me, even, to speak up and tell her how I felt, "before someone else does it first," as he kept putting it.

Anyway... I told her my answer to his question, and I have never seen a shade of red quite as bright as what was on her face... I immediately felt horrible, like I should have kept my mouth shut, like I was embarrassing her beyond all reason. She said she was surprised by it... I can't see how she would be, everyone else had already figured it out; hell, Koro had threatened to tell her how I felt himself if I didn't that night... turned out he was bluffing and was just trying to push me into doing it, in his own special way.

I tried to explain to Aurora that I didn't mind if she didn't have an answer for me, that it was okay for her not to have an answer, that I'd understand if she wanted to turn me down... I don't think it really went very well. I think I embarrassed her so much that it'll be a miracle if she ever wants to speak to me again.

I'm a horrible friend... I shouldn't have put Aurora through that. I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said anything at all...

No comments:

Post a Comment